Sitrep Oct vol. 13

  Being a caregiver comes with the package as soon as we get married (as far as what I learned from my family). Cooky and I had been best friends before we married, and caring for each other was natural.

I have known my husband since high school, and I saw the transformation he went through before the Navy, during the Navy years, and what comes before exiting the service up to now. It was interesting, from my perspective, because I always do my best to see the silver lining in every challenging situation we encounter in the seasons of our family life.
Being nurturing and caring was never an issue for me. Growing up, we were brought up to mind others before our needs, especially as females; we (my family) embrace the role of the primary caregivers. It even comes to the point where we seem to be spoiling our husbands because we do almost everything for them and let them fulfill their primary duties as household providers.

Our journey with Navy Wounded Warrior (NWW) began when Cooky returned to America after our most extended overseas duty station. I noticed significant changes in his mood, sleep, and behavior. Although, as a nurse, I already suspected something different with him while we were still overseas. He was mostly underway and deployed when we were there, and we had a few shore duties that made him stay longer with us. I did not summon him to seek help! He was diagnosed with issues when he changed his rate from Corpman to Substance Abuse Counselor (SAC). He went through the course school for the SAC before our move back to the States. Technically, he needed to be back here before us to finish the course for SAC.

During that transition, Cooky was going through heavy stressful situations. Then, the move back opened the door for him to advance as Chief Petty Officer, which added more stress. We received it as a blessing, not knowing all of the overflows of responsibilities were ways for him to open the vulnerabilities he’d been bottling in for years since his deployments. My husband was very resilient, and he was always a happy guy. He was always a person who said everything would be okay. And I knew something was not OK when he began having mental health issues with this move back. He became reticent, would burst into anger, would not sleep until beaten, would wake mid-sleep with night terrors, would binge eat, and was terrified of crowds and certain noises. My suspicions were all pointing in one direction – PTSD!

Along that line of thinking, my husband got a complete diagnosis from an Army Medical provider at Madigan Army Hospital at Joint Base Lewis-McChord. He went through all the diagnostics for mental health evaluations, was directed to the NWW, and was enrolled by his Navy providers back here in Naval Base Hospital Kitsap Bremerton. I was scared I would have to deal with all these things alone! I mean, my background in nursing held my nerve to at least have some knowledge to help my husband, but I was also terrified that my children would not have enough of my attention because of his condition. They are young, happy boys, and I feared what it would do to them seeing their dad with such behaviors.
Until we got to meet our NWW providers, where the doctors and case workers showed me that we would never be on this journey alone. They were all very supportive, and I could at least imagine that when my husband is going through some issues, we have others to help us through this. And true enough! Cooky is in a lot of programs as I write this. He could join camps for athletics through the NWW, and I was selected to join the Caring for the Caregiver program in VA. We have ongoing programs that allow caregivers to participate in R&R programs to recalibrate. And I am sure there are more ways for us caregivers to help ourselves be better caregivers and do marvelous jobs in our new roles in life.

I must say that caregivers do many things that not everyone does. I thought it was normal for wives to do everything for their husbands until I realized it was not. We, as wives, need to be ourselves, too, for the family to balance roles. The journey of marriage itself is already a good amount of balancing. It even became more challenging when one parent was dealing with health issues (and for Cooky, it is not just mental health; he is “broken inside-out”). The boat needs to stay afloat, as I say. And I need to navigate the waves with minimal help from my sailor. I assumed that captaining role when he got “sick.” I made an enormous sacrifice to care for my home and gave up my career. It is a tough choice and a choice that can not be made lightly.

Caregiving is a selfless role. It is nothing about my glory. It is all for my husband and his well-being. I can go back to my career and be away from all the stress and uncertainty I am facing right now. But, I decided long ago to be a nurse in my home. So, it is fitting that God prepared me to do all that. Then, I also have the support I need to replenish my energy through the Caregiver Program.

I do have to say, though, that caregivers need more support. Accessibility is needed. It is a tough job that needs more attention when the tough times hit us hard. I am reaching out now to say that the program should be dynamic and multifaceted. And it should be consistent year-round. One opportunity to participate is a great break. However, consistency is essential to our continued growth and success as caregivers. Like any training or practice in life, consistent training sharpens a professional’s skills and abilities. That applies the same to caregivers. We can only do what we do daily as a muscle memory in response to our daily needs. But when we face new challenges, we can make wise decisions with consistent training.

I do hope that there are more opportunities for us to improve. I am always excited to see more caregivers hold hands and share our journeys. It is reassuring that our role is as important as any professional role in our military society.